Beyond Bruises

The first time physical abuse occurs in a relationship, it can be very confusing. For many, it can appear to have come out of nowhere. In all likelihood, your partner was not physically abusive in the early stages of your relationship. In fact, it is rare for abusive people to assault their partners before beginning a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse.

But, if you examine your relationship, you should be able to identify other aspects of abuse. Most abusers engage in other behaviors that make their partners anxious, fearful or afraid. Physical abuse is only one aspect of domestic abuse.

Physical abuse includes both threats and actions that endanger or harm another person. It also can include threats or actions that harm other people (such as children), pets and/or property. It is important to remember that physical violence and threats of physical violence are crimes. The police have the power and the authority to protect you, your children and your pets – even from a spouse. So seek help if you find yourself in an abusive situation. And remember, physical abuse does not have to leave a mark or a bruise to be physical abuse.

The following list may help you identify physical abuse in your relationship. For instance, you may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has done any of the following:


*Destroyed or damaged your belongings
*Thrown objects, punched walls and/or kicked walls or doors
*Broken furniture or objects
*Pushed or shoved you
*Blocked you in a room, your home or a car; prevented you from leaving
*Squeezed your arm, leg or hand as a way to silence or control you
*Hurt you in some way (examples include, but are not limited to, pinching, pulling, poking, punching, kicking, hitting, biting, burning, slapping, scratching, beating, choking, spitting, restraining and more)
*Abandoned you someplace (i.e., left you in unknown area of town, on the side of the street, at a restaurant, etc)
*Scared you by driving recklessly
*Used a weapon or object to threaten you or to hurt you
*Prevented you from calling the police
*Kept you from seeking medical attention
*Used physical force during sex
*Harmed or threatened to harm your children
*Harmed or threatened to harm your pets
*Threatened to harm you (including giving “the look”)

If you suspect your partner may be physically abusive contact a counselor, an advocate or a pastor for assistance. Or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE (7233). Call 911, if you are in immediate danger.

What's Yours Is Mine...

We have all heard the statement, “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours.” It communicates a sense of sharing and oneness. But when it comes to financial abuse, the statement is distorted into something more like this – “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.” The relationship is no longer equal, but represents an imbalance of power. And, this is exactly what happens with financial abuse.

Financial abuse is an extension of emotional abuse. But because it is so prevalent and can involve many different tactics, it will be discussed separately.

As with other types of abuse, financial abuse is used to control other people and gain power over them. Financial abuse also can be very isolating because victims often become financially dependent on the abusers. Financial dependence traps a victim in the relationship. Without resources, many victims are unable to see a way out of their situation.

Following is an overview of the elements of financial abuse:

Exploiting Your Resources (many of these may occur while dating or engaged)

*Trying to control your use of or access to money
*Using your assets for his/her personal benefit
*Taking money or credit cards without permission
*Borrowing money without repaying it
*Demanding money or financial assistance (feels entitled)
*Expecting you to pay his/her bills or repay his/her obligations
*Expecting you to bail him/her out of financial situations
*Using offers to help with your budget or financial decisions as a cover for establishing control over your finances
*Criticizing your employment choice and/or pressuring you to quit your job
*Telling you where you can and cannot work
*Sabotaging or not honoring your work responsibilities
*Preventing you from working (hiding your keys, taking your car without permission, unhooking the battery, agreeing to baby-sit but then not showing up, etc)
*Forging your signature
*Confiscating your paycheck or other sources of income
*Intercepting or opening your bank statements, investment statements and other financial documents

Controlling Shared Resources

*Having a double standard when it comes to money (i.e, he feels it is OK to spend money on entertainment, clothing or luxury items when he is making the purchase but criticizes similar purchases by you)
*Giving you “freedom” to budget and/or manage household income but criticizing every decision you make
*Hiding or taking joint funds and putting them in private accounts
*Requiring you to share your income, but unwilling to share his
*Requiring you to turn over your paycheck
*Refusing to help establish a budget and/or manage household income but criticizing your decisions
*Controlling the “purse strings” or establishing unrealistic limits/allowances
*Requiring you to account for every penny you spend
*Criticizing the purchases you make
*Withholding financial information such as account passwords, account numbers, investment information and so on
*Making all the financial decisions without your input
*Limiting your knowledge of your overall financial picture as a couple; unwillingness to collaborate on finances
*Requiring you to ask for permission before making any purchases; but does not consult you when making his purchases
*Requiring you to ask for money (withholds money from you)
*Requiring that joint purchases be in his name only (like a lease, a cell phone or a car)
*Forcing you to sign financial documents without explanations
*Using access to money as a weapon; making threats to cut you off financially
*Becoming enraged over money; making threats and/or battering you over money

If you suspect that your partner is financially abusive, contact an advocate, a counselor or a pastor. Or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

Never Good Enough...

Emotional abuse is one the hardest forms of abuse to detect. It is both subtle and insidious, chipping away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions and self-concept. The repeating messages are “you are not good enough” or “you will never measure up.” Although these exact words may never be spoken, the message is conveyed in other ways such as blaming, criticizing, invalidating, minimizing and denying. The underlying goal behind emotional abuse is to discredit the victim, to silence her and to divert attention from his bad behavior to her failures.

Regardless of whether the abuser berates, humiliates and belittles the victim or uses the guise of “teaching” or “helping,” the results are the same. Eventually, the target loses her entire sense of self – sometimes without a single scratch or bruise. In fact, many victims report that scars from emotional abuse are far deeper and longer lasting than physical ones.

Over time, the accusations, insinuations, criticisms and insults can slowly erode a victim’s self-esteem until is she is so confused that she cannot see herself realistically. The messages from the abuser are turned inward and she becomes internally critical. Some victims become so convinced that they are worthless that they genuinely believe that no one else could want them. This belief traps them in the relationship where they strive to “measure up” or to be “good enough.” It also affects their friendships and can keep them in a constant state of doubt and anxiety wondering how people truly see them and if they truly like them. They eventually become convinced that people do not like them and begin to pull back and isolate.

When examining your own relationship, remember that emotional abuse is subtle. As a result, it is best to look at how the behavior makes you feel rather than to examine the words spoken. If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably is not healthy. Sometimes the words are OK, but it is how they are spoken and the attitude behind them that makes it abusive. For instance, the phrase “look at you” spoken enthusiastically can be taken as a compliment. But the same phrase (“look at you”) spoken with an attitude of disgust and condescension is emotionally abusive. Keep this in mind as you read the following overview of emotional abuse. This list of tactics is by no means exhaustive, but will get you started as you examine your own relationship. You also may want to review the Glossary of Abusive Behaviors listed on this site.

Some signs of emotional abuse include…

Displaying Unrealistic Expectations
*Places unreasonable demands on you
*Expects you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs
*Demands you spend all your time with them
*Displays an attitude of dissatisfaction no matter how hard you try or how much you give – it is never enough
*Consistently criticizes you for not fulfilling or meeting their needs, completing tasks to their satisfaction and so on
*Expects you to be likeminded and to not disagree or have a different opinion
*Requires you to name the exact date and time something occurred and if you cannot then dismisses it as if it never happened (this especially occurs when discussing something for which the abuser should take responsibility)

Invalidating You
*Distorts or undermines your perceptions
*Tries to define how you should feel rather than accepting your feelings
*Refuses to acknowledge or accept your opinions, ideas or feelings
*Requires you to explain and explain and explain how you feel – then says your explanation is not valid
*Accuses you of being “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” or “neurotic”
*Dismisses your wants or needs as ridiculous or unmerited
*Suggests that your perceptions are faulty and you cannot be trusted (i.e., “you’re blowing this out of proportion” or “you exaggerate”)
*Accuses you of being selfish if you express your needs (expectation is that you do not have any needs)

Creating Chaos
*Starts arguments for the sake of arguing (no matter what you say, they argue the other point – i.e., you say “black” he says “white”)
*Makes confusing and contradictory statements (sometimes referred to as “crazy-making”)
*Displays drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts
*Nitpicks at things without offering to help (i.e., the kitchen counter is messy, the kids are out of control, the laundry is not done) *Undermines your parenting
*Causes you to feel like you are “walking on eggshells”

Using Emotional Blackmail
*Uses your compassion, values, fears or other hot buttons to control you or the situation
*Manipulates you by making you feel guilty
*Humiliates you in public or private
*Exaggerates your flaws or uses them to deflect attention or to avoid responsibility
*Denies that an event took place – especially one in which they behaved poorly

Acting Superior and Entitled
*Expects and/or demands special treatment
*Uses sarcasm when speaking with you
*Acts as if he is always right, knows best and is smarter
*Talks down to you or is condescending
*Tells you your opinions are stupid, illogical or “do not make sense”
*Makes jokes at your expense
*Doubts everything you say requiring you to “prove” it; attempts to prove you wrong
*Blames you for their mistakes
*Communicates that you are inferior

Isolating You
*Attempts to control who you see or spend time with
*Monitors your phone calls and/or e-mail
*Takes or hides your car keys
*Treats you like property
*Criticizes your friends and/or family
*Uses jealousy as a sign of love and to keep you from being around others
*Manipulates you into spending all your time together
*Refuses to care for the kids alone

If you suspect your partner may be emotionally abusive contact a counselor, an advocate or a pastor for assistance. Or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).

Blurred Lines

Warning – This post contains mature content and may not be appropriate for all readers. Proceed with caution.

When people think about sexual abuse, they often think of rape and sexual assault. They might even think of incest or molestation. But experts suggest there is more than to sexual abuse than forced sexual activity. There is an emotional element to sexual abuse that can include manipulation, coercion, pressuring, insults, threats and criticisms.

Sexually abusive people often have a particular mindset when it comes to sex. They have rigid views and beliefs that infiltrate their lives and their communication. They feel a sense of entitlement and often place their needs above the needs of others. Many times, someone who is addicted to pornography also is sexually abusive.

Furthermore, sexual abuse often creates shame in the victims. They carry a heavy burden of guilt and a deep-seeded belief that something is wrong with them. As a result, the line between healthy and unhealthy is often blurred. Knowing what is “normal” and what isn’t is very difficult.

If you suspect your partner may be sexually abusive, review the following list. Not all the elements in this list need to be present for the person to be considered sexually abusive. If you see several elements from this list in your partner, contact a counselor, an advocate or a pastor for assistance. Or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).

An abusive person…

· Objectifies you or other women
· Compliments you sexually but withholds other compliments
· Expresses a sense of entitlement regarding sex especially after a nice date
· Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships
· Encourages or demands that you dress in a certain manner
· Sexualizes every hug, kiss or cuddle (non-sexual touch may be absent)
· Places his wants and needs above yours and accuses you of being selfish if you express dislikes or will not agree to something
· Pouts or sulks when you say “no” to sex
· Ignores your feelings regarding sex including your likes and dislikes
· Insults you sexually or criticizes your sexual abilities
· Calls you sexual names or makes crude, sexual remarks to you or about you
· Threatens to end the relationship if you do not have sex
· Manipulates or coerces you into having sex when you don’t want to (may try to use “guilt trips”)
· Demands that you have sex even when you are sick or tired
· Expects or demands sex after an argument
· Touches you even when you say no or ask him to stop
· Pressures you to act out fantasies
· Forces you to have sex against your will (all forms of rape including marital rape are against the law)
· Forces you to perform sexual acts against your will
· Exposes you to pornography or other inappropriate materials
· Exposes himself to you as a way to get your attention
· Holds you down or is rough during consensual sex
· Hurts you with weapons or objects during sex
· Wants to involve other people in sexual activities with you

Beyond Bruises -- Defining Abuse

Definitions have intrigued people since ancient times. For instance, Plato's early dialogues portray Socrates raising questions about definitions. People today still question definitions. For me, definitions are extremely challenging – especially when it comes to defining abuse. My desire is that the definitions would be all inclusive, but this is not easy. Still, I know for people to understand abuse, they have to know what it is.

So for the next month or so, I will define various aspects of abuse. These aspects include physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, cyber abuse and stalking. But before I discuss these categories, I would like to give you some general information about abuse.

First, unhealthy and abusive relationships all share a common characteristic and that is control. Abusive people seek to maintain control in the relationship. Control in a relationship manifests itself in a number of different ways. For instance, it includes things like telling someone what to wear, where they can go and who they can hang out with. Abusers also may call victims names, humiliate them in front of others and withhold money. Abusers also sometimes monitor cell phone and e-mails and may expect an immediate response from a phone call or text message. Over time, a victim can become disconnected from others and isolated. Their self-esteem can be eroded and they can feel afraid, trapped and alone.

Eventually, the abuse may escalate to include coercive and manipulative behaviors. For instance, the abuser may insist on time together “just the two of us” or use statements like “you must not love me,” or “you would do this if you truly loved me.” In worst-case scenarios, abuse can escalate to threats of violence, physical violence and even rape.

Outsiders may be unaware of abuse – especially in the early stages – because it occurs so insidiously. Most think abuse is only about cuts and bruises and so they miss the early signs and indicators. Even victims do not always recognize controlling and possessive behaviors as unhealthy. For this reason, defining abuse becomes imperative. People must learn to recognize that abuse goes way beyond bruises.

If It Looks Like A Duck...

Sometimes people limit the definition of “abuse” to physical abuse. If a person is not hit, punched or beaten, then others don’t believe the relationship is abusive. Unfortunately, there is more to abuse than bumps and bruises. Abuse is an insidious way for one person to exert power over another person. There are many facets to abuse including physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault and stalking. Some examples of abusive behaviors include:

• Criticizing or humiliating another in public or in private
• Calling another person names or making degrading comments
• Acting superior or condescending toward another
• Communicating that another person is never good enough or does not measure up
• Checking up on another person (i.e., calling, texting, e-mailing, stopping by unannounced)
• Following another person secretively (i.e., stalking)
• Using intimidation to get a desired result or outcome
• Accusing another person of dating or flirting with other people
• Blaming bad behaviors on another person
• Making excuses, minimizing or denying abusive behavior
• Controlling another person’s schedule including demanding that the two spend time together or requiring another to cancel plans and obligations
• Hitting walls, breaking furniture, throwing things and other phsyically threatening behaviors
• Threatening to inflict harm or kill another person
• Restraining another person
• Inflicting pain on or physical control over another person by striking, hitting, slapping, pinching, pulling, pushing, jabbing, shaking, burning, strangling, etc.
• Harming or threatening to harm pets
• Pressuring, manipulating or coercing another to have sex
• Isolating another by refusing to allow them to see friends and family (i.e., taking away car keys, limiting access to transportation, etc.)
• Witholding money or access to medication
• Blocking another person in a room or vehicle
• Limiting access to employment or harassing another at work (desired outcome is that the person would be fired)
• Placing personal needs above the needs of another by demanding caretaking or sex even when the other is sick
• Threatening suicide or personal harm as a way to “keep” the relationship from ending or to get desired result
• Driving recklessly in order to prove a point or get a desired result
• Insisting on being the center of another’s attention and using guilt when the person cares for others including caring for children and elderly relatives

If you are in a relationship with someone who exhibits any of these behaviors, you are experiencing abuse. Don’t wait for things to get worse. Get help. Contact your pastor, a counselor or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).