Beyond Bruises -- Defining Abuse

Definitions have intrigued people since ancient times. For instance, Plato's early dialogues portray Socrates raising questions about definitions. People today still question definitions. For me, definitions are extremely challenging – especially when it comes to defining abuse. My desire is that the definitions would be all inclusive, but this is not easy. Still, I know for people to understand abuse, they have to know what it is.

So for the next month or so, I will define various aspects of abuse. These aspects include physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, cyber abuse and stalking. But before I discuss these categories, I would like to give you some general information about abuse.

First, unhealthy and abusive relationships all share a common characteristic and that is control. Abusive people seek to maintain control in the relationship. Control in a relationship manifests itself in a number of different ways. For instance, it includes things like telling someone what to wear, where they can go and who they can hang out with. Abusers also may call victims names, humiliate them in front of others and withhold money. Abusers also sometimes monitor cell phone and e-mails and may expect an immediate response from a phone call or text message. Over time, a victim can become disconnected from others and isolated. Their self-esteem can be eroded and they can feel afraid, trapped and alone.

Eventually, the abuse may escalate to include coercive and manipulative behaviors. For instance, the abuser may insist on time together “just the two of us” or use statements like “you must not love me,” or “you would do this if you truly loved me.” In worst-case scenarios, abuse can escalate to threats of violence, physical violence and even rape.

Outsiders may be unaware of abuse – especially in the early stages – because it occurs so insidiously. Most think abuse is only about cuts and bruises and so they miss the early signs and indicators. Even victims do not always recognize controlling and possessive behaviors as unhealthy. For this reason, defining abuse becomes imperative. People must learn to recognize that abuse goes way beyond bruises.