Glossary of Abusive Behaviors

Alibiing
Making up a story to allow you to avoid ownership of your actions and responsibilities even when you recognize your behavior was inappropriate

Alienating
Pushing others away emotionally using hurtful words or actions to avoid dealing with them or with the issue at hand; to gain control again

Anger
Using anger to cover up the primary (or true) feeling like fear, embarrassment or insecurity; directing your rage at another person to intimidate and control

Arguing
Picking a fight with someone over an issue; taking the opposite view just for the sake of an argument [because it is energizing to you]

Arrogance
Using a tone of voice, attitude, stance or hostility to avoid responding respectfully, to exert your perceived superiority and to subtly demean another person’s intelligence

Being Obnoxious
Making it unpleasant it for others to interact with you to avoid responsibility

Being Reckless
Endangering another or yourself to avoid dealing with the true issue or to intimidate another into doing what you want (like driving recklessly)

Belittling
Using words and tones to speak slightly of another person, their efforts or their thoughts in an effort to make them seem “less than”

Blaming
Refusing to accept responsibility by putting your responsibility on another person, telling him or her that it is their fault

Cheating
Avoiding work, pain or responsibility by breaking “rules” to find an easier way

Comparing
Hurting another person by comparing them unfavorably to someone else – pointing out how and why you think someone is better than them or more skilled at something

Criticizing
Using words to tear another person down and reduce the value or importance of who they are or what they have accomplished; to point out in a hurtful way why something is “wrong” – this tactic puts you as “judge” and is an effort to gain power and/or control

Crying
Using tears to avoid dealing with the true issue, to manipulate another person or to get someone to back off or feel sorry for you

Cursing
Using curse words to avoid the true issue, to hurt someone (by calling them something profane) or to intimidate another person

Deflecting
Changing the trajectory of a conversation by not responding directly to a question or request and instead using words to deflect responsibility and place blame on the other person

Demanding
Requiring someone to do what you want or be who you want; when they do not comply they know they will suffer consequences – this a way to exercise control

Demeaning
Using words to attack a person’s character, reputation, or status as a way to make them feel less than and you to feel more powerful or in control

Denying
Saying what truly happened didn’t happen; not acknowledging the facts or refusing to accept the truth in order to avoid responsibility

Explaining
Giving reasons (often well-thought out and sometimes based on pseudo-psychology) for behaviors in order to avoid self-responsibility

Falling Asleep
Avoiding interacting with another person by purposefully going to sleep when they are trying to talk – using sleep to avoid dealing with an issue or to control a situation that may be uncomfortable to work through

Flattering
Being overly generous with compliments in order to control or manipulate another person or to change the focus of a conversation

Generalizing
Not being specific about things when communicating – “fogging” or playing down the issue to avoid responsibility

Giving “the look”
Using your non-verbal communication to intimidate another into doing what you want and/or to avoid responsibility

Having “last word”
Continuing to argue, debate and escalate verbally making sure that you have the “last word” – this is controlling and done to create a sense of triumph, “to win” or to get one last word

Hiding
Making yourself unavailable when another appears to need you the most or requires your assistance and/or wants to speak with you – this is a form of isolation used to avoid responsibility or to control another – it puts you in control

Humiliating
Using personal knowledge about a person to hurt, shame or embarrass them in private or in public; hitting with words you know will hurt most as a way to control or make yourself feel better

Hostility
Striking out toward another in order not to have to respond respectfully to the that person; using hostile words or actions to get what you want or control the situation

Ignoring
Refusing to recognize or acknowledge another person or the situation being discussed as a way to control the situation and avoid responsibility

Intellectualizing
Using scholarly reasons or logic to justify behavior, using a lengthy argument to get a person off track (rabbit trail) or focusing on a small detail and blowing it up to change the focus of the conversation

Interrupting
Not allowing another person to speak or complete their thoughts as way to control the conversation, assert your points or prove them wrong

Isolating
Keeping another person from the outside world as a way to maintain control in the relationship

Jealousy
Being suspicious of another and accusing them of things that are not true; using jealousy to justify actions or implying that jealousy is proof of how much you love them

Joking
Making light of something someone said (or making fun of them); using jokes to minimize the seriousness of something said or done (i.e. “it’s just a joke” or “can’t you take a joke?”)

Justifying
Giving reasons (sometimes appearing logical) to make a wrong action into a right action and to avoid responsibility

Lying
Rejecting all or part of the truth in order to avoid responsibility

Manipulating
Using guilt or another action to get what you want without being honest and direct

Maximizing
Making something bigger or more important than it really is in order to take the focus off the real issue or to shift focus from you to another (or to blame the other)

Minimizing
Making something smaller or less important than it really is to avoid responsibility or to reduce the appearance of what was done that was hurtful

Mocking
Making fun of someone by using a hurtful tone of voice and making light of their thoughts or feelings

Not Listening
Avoiding or rejecting another’s thoughts and feelings as a way to control them or the situation – also used to avoid responsibility

Objectifying
Treating a person like an object instead of a person (one way this is done is by commenting on body parts in a hurtful or damaging way); treating a person like property and/or exerting a sense of “ownership” over them

Pouting/Sulking
Dramatizing the effect of something on you as a way to get attention, to get what you want (like sex, money or your own way), to change the focus of a conversation or control a situation

Putting Down
Degrading or humiliating another person to avoid dealing with what they are saying or to control the conversation by hurting them enough that they will stop talking

Rationalizing
Applying plausible and possible (but untrue) reasons for your actions to avoid responsibility

Ridiculing
Deliberately using words to belittle another person or hurt them

Sarcasm
Using your tone of voice and word choice to hurt another person, control them or change the focus of the conversation

Screaming
Using your voice to intimidate another person, force them to do what you want and to take the focus off of you and put it on another

Self Pity
Feeling like and acting like you are the victim as way to avoid looking at what YOU did to another – a way to avoid taking responsibility and garner sympathy from outsiders

Sex
Coercing another to have sex; or using sex to control the situation, alter your mood or to exert power over someone

Shaming
Pointing out something someone has done or a mistake they made in a way that puts blame on them with the intent of making them feel bad about who they are

Silent Treatment
Refusing to speak as a way to punish another person and MAKE them assume responsibility

Spiritualizing
Using Scripture or a spiritual experience to control another or deflect responsibility; using “spiritual warfare” as a way to avoid taking responsibility for your choice to sin

Stance
Using your body to tower over someone as a way to intimidate or control them; puffing up your chest or clinching your fists to frighten them into doing what you want

Story Telling
Explaining a situation by using a lengthy story as way to hide important facts amidst irrelevant statements and to obscure the real issue

Sugar Coating
Putting a “nice” face on something that isn’t nice

Taunting
Using words to try to provoke, challenge or insult another person; also used to control another person or to try to make them do something you want

Threatening
Using words or threats to get someone to back down or as way to take control of the situation and get what you want (threats of harm fall under physical abuse)

Vandalism
Destroying property as a way to intimidate or control another person (this also falls under physical abuse of property)

Yelling
Using your voice to attack, intimidate or control another person