Emotional abuse is one the hardest forms of abuse to detect. It is both subtle and insidious, chipping away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in her perceptions and self-concept. The repeating messages are “you are not good enough” or “you will never measure up.” Although these exact words may never be spoken, the message is conveyed in other ways such as blaming, criticizing, invalidating, minimizing and denying. The underlying goal behind emotional abuse is to discredit the victim, to silence her and to divert attention from his bad behavior to her failures.
Regardless of whether the abuser berates, humiliates and belittles the victim or uses the guise of “teaching” or “helping,” the results are the same. Eventually, the target loses her entire sense of self – sometimes without a single scratch or bruise. In fact, many victims report that scars from emotional abuse are far deeper and longer lasting than physical ones.
Over time, the accusations, insinuations, criticisms and insults can slowly erode a victim’s self-esteem until is she is so confused that she cannot see herself realistically. The messages from the abuser are turned inward and she becomes internally critical. Some victims become so convinced that they are worthless that they genuinely believe that no one else could want them. This belief traps them in the relationship where they strive to “measure up” or to be “good enough.” It also affects their friendships and can keep them in a constant state of doubt and anxiety wondering how people truly see them and if they truly like them. They eventually become convinced that people do not like them and begin to pull back and isolate.
When examining your own relationship, remember that emotional abuse is subtle. As a result, it is best to look at how the behavior makes you feel rather than to examine the words spoken. If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably is not healthy. Sometimes the words are OK, but it is how they are spoken and the attitude behind them that makes it abusive. For instance, the phrase “look at you” spoken enthusiastically can be taken as a compliment. But the same phrase (“look at you”) spoken with an attitude of disgust and condescension is emotionally abusive. Keep this in mind as you read the following overview of emotional abuse. This list of tactics is by no means exhaustive, but will get you started as you examine your own relationship. You also may want to review the Glossary of Abusive Behaviors listed on this site.
Some signs of emotional abuse include…
Displaying Unrealistic Expectations
*Places unreasonable demands on you
*Expects you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs
*Demands you spend all your time with them
*Displays an attitude of dissatisfaction no matter how hard you try or how much you give – it is never enough
*Consistently criticizes you for not fulfilling or meeting their needs, completing tasks to their satisfaction and so on
*Expects you to be likeminded and to not disagree or have a different opinion
*Requires you to name the exact date and time something occurred and if you cannot then dismisses it as if it never happened (this especially occurs when discussing something for which the abuser should take responsibility)
Invalidating You
*Distorts or undermines your perceptions
*Tries to define how you should feel rather than accepting your feelings
*Refuses to acknowledge or accept your opinions, ideas or feelings
*Requires you to explain and explain and explain how you feel – then says your explanation is not valid
*Accuses you of being “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” or “neurotic”
*Dismisses your wants or needs as ridiculous or unmerited
*Suggests that your perceptions are faulty and you cannot be trusted (i.e., “you’re blowing this out of proportion” or “you exaggerate”)
*Accuses you of being selfish if you express your needs (expectation is that you do not have any needs)
Creating Chaos
*Starts arguments for the sake of arguing (no matter what you say, they argue the other point – i.e., you say “black” he says “white”)
*Makes confusing and contradictory statements (sometimes referred to as “crazy-making”)
*Displays drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts
*Nitpicks at things without offering to help (i.e., the kitchen counter is messy, the kids are out of control, the laundry is not done) *Undermines your parenting
*Causes you to feel like you are “walking on eggshells”
Using Emotional Blackmail
*Uses your compassion, values, fears or other hot buttons to control you or the situation
*Manipulates you by making you feel guilty
*Humiliates you in public or private
*Exaggerates your flaws or uses them to deflect attention or to avoid responsibility
*Denies that an event took place – especially one in which they behaved poorly
Acting Superior and Entitled
*Expects and/or demands special treatment
*Uses sarcasm when speaking with you
*Acts as if he is always right, knows best and is smarter
*Talks down to you or is condescending
*Tells you your opinions are stupid, illogical or “do not make sense”
*Makes jokes at your expense
*Doubts everything you say requiring you to “prove” it; attempts to prove you wrong
*Blames you for their mistakes
*Communicates that you are inferior
Isolating You
*Attempts to control who you see or spend time with
*Monitors your phone calls and/or e-mail
*Takes or hides your car keys
*Treats you like property
*Criticizes your friends and/or family
*Uses jealousy as a sign of love and to keep you from being around others
*Manipulates you into spending all your time together
*Refuses to care for the kids alone
If you suspect your partner may be emotionally abusive contact a counselor, an advocate or a pastor for assistance. Or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).
