Up Close and Personal

Commentary

Today is a sad day in Columbus, Ohio as we come to grips with the news. Yesterday, the body of 25-year-old Summer Inmand from Logan, Ohio was found in a septic tank -- a victim of a horrible crime. Not only was she abducted and taken from her three children, but she was brutally murdered.

Although police are not indicating yet if her husband and in-laws will be charged with her murder and kidnapping, to those familiar with domestic violence we can see the writing on the wall. Summer was trying desperately to leave an abusive marriage. This was a courageous -- and dangerous -- step toward freedom. Yet the risks were clear.

Reports indicate Summer's husband regularly held her "captive" in their own home, taking her car keys, wallet and cell phone. And then, her in-laws would "gang up on her to just work things out." Even before her abduction, a pattern of control, isolation and captivity had been established. Kidnapping was not a new brainstorm for this family, they had already been engaging in it on a regular basis.

Court documents also reveal that her husband threatened to kill her over the children. And in this case, he may have made good his threat. While the details have yet to be released to the public, the coroner says that Summer appears to have been strangled.

Strangulation is an up close and personal way to control someone. And it can be lethal. In fact, strangulation can cause a victim to lose consciousness within 10 seconds and to die within four to five minutes.

Domestic violence advocates indicate that the act of strangulation symbolizes an extreme example of the abuser’s power and control over the victim. When being strangled, the victim is completely overwhelmed by the abuser. As she vigorously struggles for air, she is at the mercy of the abuser for her very life.

And it is common tactic used by abusers. In fact, studies show that up to 68 percent of domestic violence victims have experienced at least one strangulation assault by a male partner during their lifetime; and up to 47 percent of women report that their partner had tried to strangle them in the past year.

Furthermore, strangulation can be a recurring form of violence in abused women’s lives. In a study of 62 abused women who came to a shelter or a violence prevention center, 68 percent had a history of strangulation, and on an average, each woman had been strangled 5.3 times in their intimate relationships.

As compared to other forms of physical violence, strangulation often leaves no marks or any other external evidence on the skin. In a study of police records of 300 strangulation cases, victims did not have any visible injury in 50 percent of the cases and in 35 percent of the cases the injuries were too minor for the police to photograph. Perhaps this is why it has become so prevalent.

We may never know if strangulation was a repetitive form of abuse in Summer’s marriage, but based on statistics, chances are it was. So let us learn a couple things from Summer’s tragic death.

First, if someone you know has been abused by her boyfriend or husband, don’t take it lightly. Next time, she may not be fortunate enough to live to tell about it. Second, leaving an abuser is extremely risky. In fact, reports indicate that the risk of death of harm increases by 70 to 75 percent – mainly because the abuser is losing what he fears most – his control over the victim. Never encourage a victim to “just leave” an abuser without a strong support system and a safety plan in place. Let Summer’s death be a reminder of the extreme risks involved. We can never predict what another human being is capable of doing.

I am sure Summer Inman never guessed her husband would follow through on his threats to silence her. But it appears he did. May you rest in peace Summer Inman. You will be missed.

For more information on safety planning, click on the link above.

Strangulation facts courtesy of http://www.sp2.upenn.edu/ortner/docs/factsheet_strangulation.pdf

Domestic Abuse in the News

I have been shocked, as I am sure you have been, by the outlandish remarks made recently by Charlie Sheen. But what bothers me even more is the clear pattern of domestic violence in his life. He has taken his abuse to another level now by insulting his boss. All you need to do is search for his quotes online and you can see an underlying current of abuse and sense of entitlement.

For instance, he was quoted in one interview as denying any abusive actions, but admitting that he loves his family violently. Or what about this gem: "Clearly I have defeated this earthworm [Chuck Lorrie, his boss] with my words -- imagine what I could have done with my fire-breathing fists." Really?

Currently, Sheen has two women living with him that he refers to as the "goddesses." With his established pattern of abuse in prior relationships, I am concerned for these women. It is clear he has a problem and without help these women could very well becomes his next targets. Here is an excellent article in the New York Times regarding Sheen ...

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/business/media/28carr.html?_r=2


It's also clear that Sheen is not an isolated incident -- nor is it just crazy Hollywood behavior. Recently, the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) released a survey that provides compelling information about the state of domestic abuse in this country.

For instance, on September 15, 2010 three women were murdered by their partners, 36 babies were born to women living in shelters and 391 survivors started new jobs. And this is just in one day! Clearly, domestic abuse is a problem in this country that doesn't appear to be going away. To read the complete story, click on the link below.

http://www.thehotline.org/2011/02/survey-shows-domestic-violence-services-provided-in-one-day-in-the-u-s/


Finally, check out this interesting article about the book Tornado Warning and what motivated the author...

http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/2011/feb/18/inspired-by-twilight-teen-violence-survivor/


If you have an interesting article, you think others might be interested in reading. Please be sure to post a comment.

Is This Normal

Today, I had the wonderful opportunity to speak at my church about domestic abuse during the "Is This Normal?" seminar. This was both a privilege and an honor. And, the timing was perfect. Not only did it occur just in time for Valentine's Day -- a day when people are thinking about their relationships, but it also occurred during Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month!

It is my passion that all women, especially young women, learn how to spot an unhealthy relationship EARLY!!! By doing so, they can spare themselves years of anguish and pain that can be caused by abuse.

To help with this step, this blog has been updated with a new tool -- a self-assessment tool. Located at the top of this post, you can click on self-assessment and take the first step in determining if your relationship could potentially be abusive. There also is a glossary of abusive behaviors (also located at the top); and you may want to check out the topics covered including warning signs, the cycle of abuse and the various types of abuse. I also have included links to other articles I have written about domestic abuse. Click on the link and the article should pop up.

In close, it is my hope that you will sign up to be a follower of this blog. Not only will you be able to comment on the posts, but you also will be notified every time I post new material. Together we can make a difference in educating young women about the harmful effects of relationship abuse.

And remember "Evil prevails when good [women] do nothing." (Edmond Burke) So do something ... even if it just getting educated about abuse.

Defining Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

As you can see from reading this familiar passage found in 1 Corinthians 13 love has many definitions. But, abuse is not one of them.

Celebrate this February as Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month by helping young people across the country develop safe and healthy relationships.

Look for posts in the coming weeks that will serve as tools in helping our young people understand what a safe and healthy relationship looks like. I will be covering everything from bullying and cyber abuse to teen dating violence and safe relationships. I also will provide tools and resources you can use to talk with your kids about healthy relationships. Sign up to be a follower and you won't miss a single post!

Beyond Bruises -- Defining Abuse

Definitions have intrigued people since ancient times. For instance, Plato's early dialogues portray Socrates raising questions about definitions. People today still question definitions. For me, definitions are extremely challenging – especially when it comes to defining abuse. My desire is that the definitions would be all inclusive, but this is not easy. Still, I know for people to understand abuse, they have to know what it is.

So for the next month or so, I will define various aspects of abuse. These aspects include physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, cyber abuse and stalking. But before I discuss these categories, I would like to give you some general information about abuse.

First, unhealthy and abusive relationships all share a common characteristic and that is control. Abusive people seek to maintain control in the relationship. Control in a relationship manifests itself in a number of different ways. For instance, it includes things like telling someone what to wear, where they can go and who they can hang out with. Abusers also may call victims names, humiliate them in front of others and withhold money. Abusers also sometimes monitor cell phone and e-mails and may expect an immediate response from a phone call or text message. Over time, a victim can become disconnected from others and isolated. Their self-esteem can be eroded and they can feel afraid, trapped and alone.

Eventually, the abuse may escalate to include coercive and manipulative behaviors. For instance, the abuser may insist on time together “just the two of us” or use statements like “you must not love me,” or “you would do this if you truly loved me.” In worst-case scenarios, abuse can escalate to threats of violence, physical violence and even rape.

Outsiders may be unaware of abuse – especially in the early stages – because it occurs so insidiously. Most think abuse is only about cuts and bruises and so they miss the early signs and indicators. Even victims do not always recognize controlling and possessive behaviors as unhealthy. For this reason, defining abuse becomes imperative. People must learn to recognize that abuse goes way beyond bruises.

The Violent Epidemic

When 22-year-old, University of Virginia student Yeardley Love was found brutally murdered in her apartment earlier this month, the tragedy left the college community stunned and groping for answers. The emerging details surrounding her death were equally troubling. Reports indicated that Love’s former boyfriend George Huguely, also a student at the university, admitted to kicking in her door, shaking her violently and repeatedly hitting her head against the wall.

Now people find themselves asking the question, “How could this have happened?” “What could have been done to prevent it?” Finding answers to these questions will not bring Love back nor will they ease the pain and loss her family and friends are feeling. But, they should serve as a wake-up call for the rest of us. How do we keep this from happening in our communities?

The obvious first step in preventing dating violence is cultivating a deeper and truer understanding of the issues – especially among young people. Teen dating violence is not something that happens to someone else in someone else’s neighborhood. It’s happening everywhere, all around us. It could happen to you or to someone you love.

In fact, according to a recent survey conducted by Liz Claiborne Inc. and the Family Violence Prevention Fund, nearly 1 in 3 teenagers who have been in a relationship report sexual abuse, physical abuse, or threats of physical abuse.

This number is not just a statistic – it's an epidemic! Do you realize that an alarming number of young people will have experienced relationship abuse – and its lasting impact -- in some form before they ever enter college?

So what can we do? We can and should be helping potential victims recognize danger signs in their relationships. Dating abuse is not just about hitting, kicking, slapping and pinching. It often begins more subtly, with acts that often masquerade as “love.” The most common are jealousy, texting or calling excessively and insisting on spending all their time together.

We also should be empowering bystanders with information on where to seek help if they suspect someone is in an abusive relationship. Yes, abuse is an excruciatingly difficult subject to discuss. It’s personal. It’s uncomfortable. It’s difficult to even acknowledge. Yet, Love’s death reinforces the fact that we cannot allow this trend to continue. We cannot be silent when someone we love is being threatened.

Join with me in educating young people about relationships – teach them what makes a relationship healthy and what makes a relationship unhealthy. Guide them to the educational materials and resources listed on this site and others. And do not stand by and do nothing when you suspect abuse. Learn how you can help.

Boundaries

A personal commentary on boundaries from a Christian perspective

The term boundary seems to stir up heated debates among Christians. Some believe boundaries in a relationship or a marriage are not Biblical and simply should not be used while others feel they are absolutely necessary in dealing with abusive and/or addictive behaviors.

I personally feel that part of the problem may be with semantics. Perhaps instead of calling something a boundary (which implies that there is a “line in the sand”) boundaries should be called “limitations.” By changing the wording several things happen.


First, the person erecting the boundary has to think of the boundary in a different way. Instead of seeing a boundary as a “line” that should not be crossed by someone else, they begin to look at it from the perspective -- “what are my limitations?” “What am I no longer willing to live with?” “How do I want to be treated?” “What are my limitations in terms of time, energy and resources?”


Second, it also causes the person erecting the boundary to take ownership of his or her life rather than trying to control someone else or a situation. The boundary/limitation then becomes more focused on what God is trying to do in the person developing the boundary rather than about changing or controlling the offending person. Ultimately, boundaries/limitations should come from what God is speaking into the person and what He wants to change in him/her. As a result, boundaries/limitations can serve as a starting point for healing.

I also think boundaries/limitations can be (and are often) misused. For instance, the person setting boundaries (or communicating their limitations) can prop themselves up as mother/father or even as God. But in a relationship or marriage, the partners should function as equals and as brothers/sisters in Christ. Marriage partners need to be very careful not to “parent” their spouses using boundaries or limitations. (Again this is why I think boundaries should be called “limitations” because it takes the focus off the offending party and puts it on the person setting the limits.)


Likewise, boundaries with children should look different than boundaries with spouses. For instance in the parent/child relationship the parents are in a position of teaching and instructing a child – they are also responsible for the child. (So a parent could set a boundary with a child much like the boundaries that God sets with us/His children).


Finally, I believe when establishing boundaries/limitations – the person setting them needs to think about whether or not they can implement the consequences they lay out. If they are not strong enough to follow through with the consequences when the boundary or limitation is violated, then the boundary is useless. Every abuser or addict will challenge boundaries to see if the person setting them will really follow through. Don't set a boundary or communicate a limitation if you cannot follow through.


In the next blog, I will talk more about actually setting boundaries and give examples of what healthy limitations look like when dealing with an abusive person.