Sunday, June 13, 2010

What's Yours Is Mine...

We have all heard the statement, “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours.” It communicates a sense of sharing and oneness. But when it comes to financial abuse, the statement is distorted into something more like this – “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.” The relationship is no longer equal, but represents an imbalance of power. And, this is exactly what happens with financial abuse.

Financial abuse is an extension of emotional abuse. But because it is so prevalent and can involve many different tactics, it will be discussed separately.

As with other types of abuse, financial abuse is used to control other people and gain power over them. Financial abuse also can be very isolating because victims often become financially dependent on the abusers. Financial dependence traps a victim in the relationship. Without resources, many victims are unable to see a way out of their situation.

Following is an overview of the elements of financial abuse:

Exploiting Your Resources (many of these may occur while dating or engaged)

*Trying to control your use of or access to money
*Using your assets for his/her personal benefit
*Taking money or credit cards without permission
*Borrowing money without repaying it
*Demanding money or financial assistance (feels entitled)
*Expecting you to pay his/her bills or repay his/her obligations
*Expecting you to bail him/her out of financial situations
*Using offers to help with your budget or financial decisions as a cover for establishing control over your finances
*Criticizing your employment choice and/or pressuring you to quit your job
*Telling you where you can and cannot work
*Sabotaging or not honoring your work responsibilities
*Preventing you from working (hiding your keys, taking your car without permission, unhooking the battery, agreeing to baby-sit but then not showing up, etc)
*Forging your signature
*Confiscating your paycheck or other sources of income
*Intercepting or opening your bank statements, investment statements and other financial documents

Controlling Shared Resources

*Having a double standard when it comes to money (i.e, he feels it is OK to spend money on entertainment, clothing or luxury items when he is making the purchase but criticizes similar purchases by you)
*Giving you “freedom” to budget and/or manage household income but criticizing every decision you make
*Hiding or taking joint funds and putting them in private accounts
*Requiring you to share your income, but unwilling to share his
*Requiring you to turn over your paycheck
*Refusing to help establish a budget and/or manage household income but criticizing your decisions
*Controlling the “purse strings” or establishing unrealistic limits/allowances
*Requiring you to account for every penny you spend
*Criticizing the purchases you make
*Withholding financial information such as account passwords, account numbers, investment information and so on
*Making all the financial decisions without your input
*Limiting your knowledge of your overall financial picture as a couple; unwillingness to collaborate on finances
*Requiring you to ask for permission before making any purchases; but does not consult you when making his purchases
*Requiring you to ask for money (withholds money from you)
*Requiring that joint purchases be in his name only (like a lease, a cell phone or a car)
*Forcing you to sign financial documents without explanations
*Using access to money as a weapon; making threats to cut you off financially
*Becoming enraged over money; making threats and/or battering you over money

If you suspect that your partner is financially abusive, contact an advocate, a counselor or a pastor. Or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.