Boundaries

A personal commentary on boundaries from a Christian perspective

The term boundary seems to stir up heated debates among Christians. Some believe boundaries in a relationship or a marriage are not Biblical and simply should not be used while others feel they are absolutely necessary in dealing with abusive and/or addictive behaviors.

I personally feel that part of the problem may be with semantics. Perhaps instead of calling something a boundary (which implies that there is a “line in the sand”) boundaries should be called “limitations.” By changing the wording several things happen.


First, the person erecting the boundary has to think of the boundary in a different way. Instead of seeing a boundary as a “line” that should not be crossed by someone else, they begin to look at it from the perspective -- “what are my limitations?” “What am I no longer willing to live with?” “How do I want to be treated?” “What are my limitations in terms of time, energy and resources?”


Second, it also causes the person erecting the boundary to take ownership of his or her life rather than trying to control someone else or a situation. The boundary/limitation then becomes more focused on what God is trying to do in the person developing the boundary rather than about changing or controlling the offending person. Ultimately, boundaries/limitations should come from what God is speaking into the person and what He wants to change in him/her. As a result, boundaries/limitations can serve as a starting point for healing.

I also think boundaries/limitations can be (and are often) misused. For instance, the person setting boundaries (or communicating their limitations) can prop themselves up as mother/father or even as God. But in a relationship or marriage, the partners should function as equals and as brothers/sisters in Christ. Marriage partners need to be very careful not to “parent” their spouses using boundaries or limitations. (Again this is why I think boundaries should be called “limitations” because it takes the focus off the offending party and puts it on the person setting the limits.)


Likewise, boundaries with children should look different than boundaries with spouses. For instance in the parent/child relationship the parents are in a position of teaching and instructing a child – they are also responsible for the child. (So a parent could set a boundary with a child much like the boundaries that God sets with us/His children).


Finally, I believe when establishing boundaries/limitations – the person setting them needs to think about whether or not they can implement the consequences they lay out. If they are not strong enough to follow through with the consequences when the boundary or limitation is violated, then the boundary is useless. Every abuser or addict will challenge boundaries to see if the person setting them will really follow through. Don't set a boundary or communicate a limitation if you cannot follow through.


In the next blog, I will talk more about actually setting boundaries and give examples of what healthy limitations look like when dealing with an abusive person.