Setting Limits/Boundaries

Last month, I talked about boundaries/limitations from a Christian perspective. This month, I wanted to share some thoughts about how to establish effective limitations or boundaries with an abusive person.

For the victim, setting boundaries or establishing limitations is an important part of the healing process. Not only can effective boundaries be useful in keeping you safe, but the process allows you to get in touch with who you really are -- the person that God has called you to be -- not the person the abuser says you are. Learning to set boundaries also is a vital part of letting others know that you recognize your worth and value. No deserves to be abused -- including you. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Before establishing boundaries it is a good idea to meet with a counselor or pastor trained in dealing with abuse. You will want to be sure you have taken appropriate precautions to ensure your safety. Once you are ready to begin setting boundaries, take some time to reflect on who you are and what you want from your relationships. List the things that are unacceptable to you. Reflect on what a healthy relationship would look like to you.

Once you have done that, you are ready to begin establishing your limits. Basically, there are three parts to a boundary or a personal limitation. The first two parts involve establishing and communicating your limitations. The third part is what you will do to defend your boundaries.

Here is an example:

Calling me names like stupid, idiot or loser is unacceptable to me.

If you call me names, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings. If you continue name calling, I will leave the room/house or ask you to leave.

If you keep repeating this behavior, I will start considering my options, including leaving this relationship.

In this example, the person victimized has identified that names like stupid, idiot and loser are unacceptable to her. The next step, would be to communicate her expectations to the abuser. (She would share the first two parts of the boundary.) Finally, she has thought through what the consequences will be if the abusive person continues to violate her limits. (This is the third part of the boundary.)

When setting boundaries, it is not always necessary to communicate the third part of your limitations to the abuser. The first two parts are actually the boundary or limitation; the third part is for your benefit so that you will know what you want to do if the abuser ignores your boundaries/limitations.

When determining consequences, it is very important that you establish consequences that you are willing to enforce. In other words, if you are not ready to leave a relationship, do not establish this as a consequence. Likewise, if you are not willing to leave the room or the house when being called names do not set this as a consequence. To set boundaries and not enforce them just gives the abuser an excuse to continue with the same behaviors. And all abusers will test your boundaries to see if you are really serious.

Finally, keep in mind that setting boundaries is not about making threats or being manipulative (even if the abuser accuses you of this). It is about communicating clearly how you want to be treated and the consequences that will occur if the other person chooses to treat you in an unacceptable way. Communicating your limits (or setting boundaries) is not an attempt to control another person either -- even though abusers often accuse victims of that. Setting limits is a healing process that allows you to come to know who you are and what is acceptable to you. It also is a vital step in taking responsibility for yourself and your life.

The difference between healthy boundaries and attempts to control or manipulate is that when you set a boundary, you let go of the outcome. You realize that you cannot change the another person. Although you really do want the abuser to change his behavior -- the choice to do so is his and his alone. When you recognize that you cannot change his actions, but that you can change your reactions, the healing will begin.