History Repeats Itself

Abuse is not a one time incident. There is a distinct pattern and cycle to abuse. And, over time, without help or intervention it will get worse.

Abuse usually consists of three stages. The tension building phase, the incident phase, the make-up/calm phase. Sometimes experts refer to the stages as “build up,” “blow up” and “make up.” There is no set amount of time that each phase lasts nor is there a set amount of time it takes to complete the cycle. Every relationship is different.

If you are being victimized, recognizing the phases within the cycle can be useful. You may have no problem recognizing the incident phase. You know what you are experiencing is wrong, hurtful and many times painful. However, recognizing the tension building phase which occurs before the incident could be useful in preventing impending abuse, if you are able to seek help or assistance before the abuse escalates.

Secondly, during the make-up phase, it is common to believe the abuser’s promises that it will not happen again. However, once you can see the pattern, you will be less likely to believe empty promises. Use these times of peace for planning. What do you want to do about the relationship? How can you keep herself (and you children if you have any) safe? Where can you find help? What can you do the next time it happens?

Journaling also can help you make sense of what is happening. This activity not only provides a safe outlet for feelings and emotions, but it also serves as documentation of the abuse. Going back through journals will help you begin to the see the pattern of abuse. For instance, you may be able to identify what signs are usually present when the abuser is about to lash out. This information is a useful tool in keeping you safe. But keep your journals in a safe place where the abuser will not find them.

Below is an overview of the cycle abuse:

Tension Building Phase (or “Build Up”)

* Abuser’s mood may begin to change in some way (i.e., becomes agitated, frustrated, angry); may appear to be “brooding”
* Abuser may begin to “zero in” on the victim (i.e., nitpicking more than usual, criticizing, making snide remarks)
* Abuser may appear about to “boil over”
* Victim senses an underlying tension in the relationship – normal communication does not resolve the issues
* Communication and interractions begin to breakdown
* Victim may feel confused and wonder what she did wrong; she may question herself or become internally critical
* Victim may feel the need to keep the abuser calm; she may try “extra hard” to keep the peace
* Victim may feel like she is “walking on eggshells”
* Victim may feel fearful or anxious sometimes like a sense of “impending doom”
* Abuser becomes more agitated and begins to exert more control
* Abuser escalates the situation and abuse begins; this marks the beginning of the incident phase

Incident Phase (or “Blow Up”)

* Some form of abuse takes place (physical, sexual, emotional, verbal)
See sections on Defining Abuse and Warning Signs for descriptions of abuse
* Abuser may convince victim that the abuse was not as bad as she remembers or deny the abuse all together
* Abuser may blame victim for the abuse or convince her that if she had done something different or better the abuse would not have occurred
* Abuser may act like abuse never happened

Calm Phase (or "Make-Up")

* Abuser may apologize for what happened and beg for forgiveness
* Abuser may appear deeply sorry for actions (but the sorrow is not always genuine and may be meant to manipulate)
* Abuser may promise never to do it again
* Abuser may buy the victim gifts including cards, flowers and/or jewelry
* Victim may want to believe the abuse is an isolated incident and that the promises are sincere
* Victim may begin to question the severity of the abuse in her mind and wonder if it was as bad as she thought
* Victim may hope abuse is over for good
* Victim may begin to see the good in the abuser again and the bad seems like a distant memory