First Steps

Dealing with Abuse in a Relationship

There are no quick fixes when it comes to domestic abuse. So if you believe you may be experiencing abuse, the first step is to get educated. Learn about the types and signs of abuse, look for a pattern in the abusive behavior and discover different techniques for keeping you (and your children if you have them) safe. Once equipped with this information, you will be better able to plan your course of action. Every relationship is different, so every plan of action will be different. But here are some basic first steps to dealing with relationship abuse:

1.) Learn to recognize abuse and name it – This will keep you from blaming yourself or taking responsibility for the abuser’s choice to abuse.

2.) Realize that you cannot change the abuser BUT you can change your reaction. For instance, what do you want to be different about the way in which you respond? Do you want to seek safety? Seek support? End the relationship? All of the above? Only you can decide what is best for your situation.

3.) Recognize your value and worth. Abuse causes a person to lose confidence and self-esteem because it is packed with lies about your worth and value as a person. Reject those lies and replace them with the truth.

4.) Seek professional help and support for your situation. Abuse is a big issue that cannot be handled on your own. You need love and support. You may find help in local support groups, through your church, from a counselor and from your friends. Surround yourself with people who respect you and will allow you to make your own decisions according to your own timetable. You know what is best for you.

5.) Learn how to set boundaries. Setting boundaries will help keep you safe. They also will guard against allowing others to take control of your life – whether that is the abuser or an over-eager support person.

6.) Remember that you are not alone. Domestic abuse is a widespread problem that affects one in four women in their lifetime according to the National Coalition Against Family Violence. Find a support group or a friend who has experienced the same thing. It helps to share your experiences with someone who understands.

7.) Remember, that someone out there cares for you – even if the abuser says no one cares. Find those people and take your first courageous steps toward a healthier, more peaceful life.