Watch for the Signs

Use the following checklist to determine if your dating relationship is abusive or could become abusive. Keep in mind these are guidelines and cues to pay attention to – they are not meant to serve as a judgment on the worth of another person. Question relationships with partners who:

Exhibit poor impulse control
Examples include: abusing alcohol or drugs, gambling, using pornography; having a history of fighting, lawbreaking or destroying property; driving recklessly; showing an inability to handle minor frustrations

Are jealous or suspicious
Examples include: accusing you of cheating on them or of being “too friendly”; needing to know where you are at all times; feeling threatened by your other relationships (friends and family included)

Attempt to monitor, isolate or control you
Examples include: trying to control who you see or where you go; calling or sending text messages a lot; questioning about what you did while you were apart; telling you how to dress or act; telling you to shut up; demanding you demonstrate your love by spending all your time together; taking your money; showing up uninvited; reading your journal, breaking into your e-mail account or opening your mail

Have a history that involves abuse
Examples include: being known for abusing past partners, siblings, pets or friends; growing up in a family that was abusive

Are physically rough with you
Examples include: grabbing your arms or legs, squeezing your hand (to send a message), pushing, pulling hair, holding you down, restraining you, pinching, squeezing, hitting, slapping, choking and so on

Get serious too quickly or “rush” the relationship
Examples include: showering you with attention and affection very early; pressuring you to be exclusive; proposing marriage too early in the relationship; saying “I love you” too soon

Have a rigid belief system about male/female roles; and/or a negative view of women
Examples include: making global statements about women including derogatory and objectifying statements; calling certain tasks “women’s work,” insisting on traditional roles (i.e., refusing to clean up after themselves)

Insult you, criticize you or put you down
Examples include: comparing you unfavorably to others; calling you names (like fat, dumb, stupid, crazy); saying your interests or hobbies are pointless, stupid, a waste of time or boring; humiliating or degrading you

Use intimidation and manipulation to get their way
Examples include: coercing you into being physically intimate; using statements like “if you loved me you would…”; hitting walls, throwing things, breaking things or driving recklessly; threatening to kill themselves if you break up

Appear to have mood swings
Examples include: being fine one minute and exploding the next; acting like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; acting like nothing happened after a disagreement; appearing energized by fighting

Show signs of being irresponsible
Examples include: not working or going to school; not following through on commitments, duties, obligations and debts; expecting you to care for them; blaming others or situations for problems; refusing to own behaviors (i.e., denying doing or saying hurtful things)

Appear self-centered or inconsiderate
Examples include: expecting you to drop everything for them; adamant about talking while you are busy or at work; interrupting you and others; refusing to apologize for bad behavior

Consider their intellect or logic to be far superior
Examples include: claiming their opinions are based on logic or sound evidence while yours are stupid and emotionally based; considering any opinion other than their own to be invalid, illogical, hysterical or selfish; refusing to listen to you and believing they are always right

Display extreme concern for their “public image”
Examples include: getting angry if they think you made them look bad to others; treating you better in public than in private; bragging about you to others but not paying a compliment in person

Do not have solid friendships with others (especially with peers)
Examples include: having limited or superficial friendships; appearing to have no one other than their partner to spend time with or to do things with [pressure is then put on their partner to fulfill all of their needs]

If you are in a relationship with someone who exhibits these behaviors, you should find someone to talk to about what is happening to you. Don’t wait until things get out of hand. Talk with your parents, your pastor or another trusted adult.