Last month, I talked about boundaries/limitations from a Christian perspective. This month, I wanted to share some thoughts about how to establish effective limitations or boundaries with an abusive person.
For the victim, setting boundaries or establishing limitations is an important part of the healing process. Not only can effective boundaries be useful in keeping you safe, but the process allows you to get in touch with who you really are -- the person that God has called you to be -- not the person the abuser says you are. Learning to set boundaries also is a vital part of letting others know that you recognize your worth and value. No deserves to be abused -- including you. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
Before establishing boundaries it is a good idea to meet with a counselor or pastor trained in dealing with abuse. You will want to be sure you have taken appropriate precautions to ensure your safety. Once you are ready to begin setting boundaries, take some time to reflect on who you are and what you want from your relationships. List the things that are unacceptable to you. Reflect on what a healthy relationship would look like to you.
Once you have done that, you are ready to begin establishing your limits. Basically, there are three parts to a boundary or a personal limitation. The first two parts involve establishing and communicating your limitations. The third part is what you will do to defend your boundaries.
Here is an example:
Calling me names like stupid, idiot or loser is unacceptable to me.
If you call me names, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings. If you continue name calling, I will leave the room/house or ask you to leave.
If you keep repeating this behavior, I will start considering my options, including leaving this relationship.
In this example, the person victimized has identified that names like stupid, idiot and loser are unacceptable to her. The next step, would be to communicate her expectations to the abuser. (She would share the first two parts of the boundary.) Finally, she has thought through what the consequences will be if the abusive person continues to violate her limits. (This is the third part of the boundary.)
When setting boundaries, it is not always necessary to communicate the third part of your limitations to the abuser. The first two parts are actually the boundary or limitation; the third part is for your benefit so that you will know what you want to do if the abuser ignores your boundaries/limitations.
When determining consequences, it is very important that you establish consequences that you are willing to enforce. In other words, if you are not ready to leave a relationship, do not establish this as a consequence. Likewise, if you are not willing to leave the room or the house when being called names do not set this as a consequence. To set boundaries and not enforce them just gives the abuser an excuse to continue with the same behaviors. And all abusers will test your boundaries to see if you are really serious.
Finally, keep in mind that setting boundaries is not about making threats or being manipulative (even if the abuser accuses you of this). It is about communicating clearly how you want to be treated and the consequences that will occur if the other person chooses to treat you in an unacceptable way. Communicating your limits (or setting boundaries) is not an attempt to control another person either -- even though abusers often accuse victims of that. Setting limits is a healing process that allows you to come to know who you are and what is acceptable to you. It also is a vital step in taking responsibility for yourself and your life.
The difference between healthy boundaries and attempts to control or manipulate is that when you set a boundary, you let go of the outcome. You realize that you cannot change the another person. Although you really do want the abuser to change his behavior -- the choice to do so is his and his alone. When you recognize that you cannot change his actions, but that you can change your reactions, the healing will begin.
Showing posts with label Boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Boundaries. Show all posts
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Boundaries
A personal commentary on boundaries from a Christian perspective
The term boundary seems to stir up heated debates among Christians. Some believe boundaries in a relationship or a marriage are not Biblical and simply should not be used while others feel they are absolutely necessary in dealing with abusive and/or addictive behaviors.
I personally feel that part of the problem may be with semantics. Perhaps instead of calling something a boundary (which implies that there is a “line in the sand”) boundaries should be called “limitations.” By changing the wording several things happen.
First, the person erecting the boundary has to think of the boundary in a different way. Instead of seeing a boundary as a “line” that should not be crossed by someone else, they begin to look at it from the perspective -- “what are my limitations?” “What am I no longer willing to live with?” “How do I want to be treated?” “What are my limitations in terms of time, energy and resources?”
Second, it also causes the person erecting the boundary to take ownership of his or her life rather than trying to control someone else or a situation. The boundary/limitation then becomes more focused on what God is trying to do in the person developing the boundary rather than about changing or controlling the offending person. Ultimately, boundaries/limitations should come from what God is speaking into the person and what He wants to change in him/her. As a result, boundaries/limitations can serve as a starting point for healing.
I also think boundaries/limitations can be (and are often) misused. For instance, the person setting boundaries (or communicating their limitations) can prop themselves up as mother/father or even as God. But in a relationship or marriage, the partners should function as equals and as brothers/sisters in Christ. Marriage partners need to be very careful not to “parent” their spouses using boundaries or limitations. (Again this is why I think boundaries should be called “limitations” because it takes the focus off the offending party and puts it on the person setting the limits.)
Likewise, boundaries with children should look different than boundaries with spouses. For instance in the parent/child relationship the parents are in a position of teaching and instructing a child – they are also responsible for the child. (So a parent could set a boundary with a child much like the boundaries that God sets with us/His children).
Finally, I believe when establishing boundaries/limitations – the person setting them needs to think about whether or not they can implement the consequences they lay out. If they are not strong enough to follow through with the consequences when the boundary or limitation is violated, then the boundary is useless. Every abuser or addict will challenge boundaries to see if the person setting them will really follow through. Don't set a boundary or communicate a limitation if you cannot follow through.
In the next blog, I will talk more about actually setting boundaries and give examples of what healthy limitations look like when dealing with an abusive person.
The term boundary seems to stir up heated debates among Christians. Some believe boundaries in a relationship or a marriage are not Biblical and simply should not be used while others feel they are absolutely necessary in dealing with abusive and/or addictive behaviors.
I personally feel that part of the problem may be with semantics. Perhaps instead of calling something a boundary (which implies that there is a “line in the sand”) boundaries should be called “limitations.” By changing the wording several things happen.
First, the person erecting the boundary has to think of the boundary in a different way. Instead of seeing a boundary as a “line” that should not be crossed by someone else, they begin to look at it from the perspective -- “what are my limitations?” “What am I no longer willing to live with?” “How do I want to be treated?” “What are my limitations in terms of time, energy and resources?”
Second, it also causes the person erecting the boundary to take ownership of his or her life rather than trying to control someone else or a situation. The boundary/limitation then becomes more focused on what God is trying to do in the person developing the boundary rather than about changing or controlling the offending person. Ultimately, boundaries/limitations should come from what God is speaking into the person and what He wants to change in him/her. As a result, boundaries/limitations can serve as a starting point for healing.
I also think boundaries/limitations can be (and are often) misused. For instance, the person setting boundaries (or communicating their limitations) can prop themselves up as mother/father or even as God. But in a relationship or marriage, the partners should function as equals and as brothers/sisters in Christ. Marriage partners need to be very careful not to “parent” their spouses using boundaries or limitations. (Again this is why I think boundaries should be called “limitations” because it takes the focus off the offending party and puts it on the person setting the limits.)
Likewise, boundaries with children should look different than boundaries with spouses. For instance in the parent/child relationship the parents are in a position of teaching and instructing a child – they are also responsible for the child. (So a parent could set a boundary with a child much like the boundaries that God sets with us/His children).
Finally, I believe when establishing boundaries/limitations – the person setting them needs to think about whether or not they can implement the consequences they lay out. If they are not strong enough to follow through with the consequences when the boundary or limitation is violated, then the boundary is useless. Every abuser or addict will challenge boundaries to see if the person setting them will really follow through. Don't set a boundary or communicate a limitation if you cannot follow through.
In the next blog, I will talk more about actually setting boundaries and give examples of what healthy limitations look like when dealing with an abusive person.
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